The Circus Is Here

Warmup – Start yelling warnings that it’s almost time to leave. Repeat until children move (rare) or there is seriously no more time.

• Pull long pants off child; work on mobility by avoiding kicks to the arms and face.
• Give pants to child to put in hamper. Alternate: Just take them there yourself; it’s easier than picking them up off the floor later.
• Deadlift child to table; remember to hinge at the hips and engage the glutes to avoid lower back injury.
• Pull left shin guard on; improving dexterity will result in fewer complaints about scratchy velcro straps. Repeat for right side.
• Pull on left soccer sock. Repeat for right side.
  Special Equipment: Specially formulated socks that seem simultaneously way too big and far too tight; designed to improve grip strength.
• Shove left foot into cleats; you want motion that swings out and up to grip the heel. Repeat for right side.
  Challenge: Prepare cleats with double-knotted laces, preferably wet. Increases dexterity and tests stress response.
• Lower child from table in goblet squat position.
• Repeat “Do not bounce that ball in the house!!!” – continue to failure/fatigue.

Cooldown – Choose from:

• Chase children to car and buckle in. Practice belly breathing on drive to soccer field to prepare to greet other parents with a smile.
• Thank partner profusely for taking this one for the team. Shut door behind the mob and feel your shoulder muscles relax.
• Run soccer bag to car for partner who forgot and had to turn around. Smile anyway because the house is still quiet.

*Increase as needed for appropriate number of children, but frankly if you have to get more than two ready for a practice at the same time, you should win the CrossFit Mom games. Or at least get a silver.

Whose woods these are I think I know;
I will not ‘fess up right now, though.*

Hi. You guys know how much I love this little punk, right? I want you to keep that in mind as you read the rest of this post. Because I cannot stand him right now. For real. He is being SUCH A JERK.

If he is not actively having a fight with his brother, he is trying to start one. He repeats everything Levi says until Levi hits him (in fairness to Levi, this particular behavior makes me want to hit something, too) and then he sobs pitifully as though he is the blameless injured party. He will not cooperate with anyone on anything, as far as I can tell. If I tell him to sit down for lunch please, we are having his six favorite foods accompanied by all the pop he can drink, he shouts, “NO!! NEVER!!!!!” and stomps his feet.

He does not love me. I am not his friend anymore. He only loves Daddy (particularly hilarious, since that’s not the story Daddy hears). He is never loving me again. NO NEVER!!!

I know he looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, but I’m telling you, this kid is a pip.

i cannot wait for him to get on the bus in the morning. (Dear Preschool Staff: Thank you. I’m sorry. May God be with you.) I do not want to pick him up at noon. Actually, that’s not true. I’m always happy to see him when he comes out of the building. Two minutes later, when he is refusing to get into the car and lying on the sidewalk, I’ve changed my mind.

Part of me believes that this will pass. He just turned four. He just started preschool (and we are finally having a “normal” week with no missed days, so the routine has been weird). He has lost two much-loved grandparents in the last three months. I know all the reasons, and I can talk the talk.

The other part of me believes that I am raising a sociopathic monster. One that sits around and plots ways to make his mother cry in frustration.

I know I’m not exactly at my best right now, either. I am so worn out, and the (limited) patience I usually have for shenanigans is vaporizing before my very eyes.

If you have any suggestions for me that will not get me arrested, please share. If you don’t have any suggestions, I will accept commiseration. Beggars can’t be choosers.

* This picture has nothing to do with the text of the post, really. I just think it’s funny.