This is hard.

I haven’t written about this at all, and I’m not sure this is going to make it out of draft status (though if you’re reading it, it obviously has). But, as I said to my sister, blogging is cheaper than therapy. So I’ll give it a shot.

My mom is really forgetting things now. I don’t mean forgetting why she came into a room (heck, I do that daily) or the maiden name of her nephew’s wife or where she put her glasses. I mean major life events.

A couple of years before Levi came to us, we had another baby boy in our home for sixty days. We thought he was ours, but it didn’t happen that way in the end. The story of what, and how, and why is long and complicated and not the point right now. But it was a big deal. Surrendering that baby boy  – already so much my son, no matter what the legalities were – was easily the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life. It’s not overstatement to say that that experience and the aftermath have shaped my life and my character in significant ways. Maybe even in ways I don’t completely understand yet, seven years later.

Now. Imagine that I am your daughter, and that you had a front row seat. That I stayed at your house after it happened because I couldn’t bear to go home. That I sobbed and wailed and beat my fists on your table, and your bed, and your floor, and asked you if I would ever be happy again. I think it’s the kind of thing that wouldn’t be easy to forget.

And yet there we all were yesterday. That boy and his family came for a visit and for supper, which they do at least once a year. My mom came too, and my sister. We talked for hours. They all signed Levi’s cast.

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And when they went home, Mom said, “Now … how did you first meet these people again?” I gave her a gentle outline, and she came back, horrified, with, “I am SURE I never heard that before.”

Oof.

It’s not the first sign we’ve seen, but it’s the one I’m finding hardest so far. It seems so … I don’t know. So LARGE. And, as much as I’m going to sound like a drama queen, so much of a watershed, everything-was-different-after moment. Perhaps that’s just because it was my moment. I don’t know.

Either way, it’s more clear to me all the time. We are saying our Long Goodbye. And it’s hard.

I don’t know how to do this part. I know how to listen to the same story over and over (and over). I know things to try when something is upsetting and some calming words are what’s needed. I am getting better at steering around certain topics to avoid the upsetting things in the first place, and at guessing what topics those might be before learning the hard way. And anything that needs to be organized – this week it’s trash pickup – I’m all over it.

But this part. Man. I know that it’s grief, and I even kind of know how to do grief. Except not this way, this gradual loss of experience and history and personhood. I was talking about a good friend of mine recently, and I said that when we met, we had little in common. And that’s still mostly true, except that now we have twenty years of laughter and memories and shared experiences. History. If we didn’t have that history, we would be different together.

So what does it mean when the person who has known you the longest, who told you the stories of your babyhood so often that you believe that you remember them yourself, who is the very source and origin of your history … doesn’t remember?

I don’t know how to do this part. This is hard.

16 thoughts on “This is hard.

  1. Martha October 20, 2013 at 7:24 am Reply

    We can’t comprehend that this is happening! Our hearts ache for you. Al & Martha

    • Carol October 20, 2013 at 4:19 pm Reply

      Thank you, Martha. I like hearing from you!

  2. Heather Rosenfeld Walter October 20, 2013 at 12:11 pm Reply

    I am so very very sorry you are having to deal with this. My grandfather had three long years like this and it was hard, but he wasn’t my mother. This is indeed hard. <3

    • Carol October 20, 2013 at 4:20 pm Reply

      Thanks, Heather.

  3. Mandi D. October 20, 2013 at 12:19 pm Reply

    Wow. First of all, you are an excellent writer. Secondly, what a hard thing to go thru! And something that many of us will maybe have to face in one form or another at some point in outs lives. I’ll be praying for patience, guidance, grace, and mercy for your spirit, heart and actions. I can’t imagine losing my mother in this way. Thanks for sharing!

    • Carol October 20, 2013 at 4:21 pm Reply

      Thank you, Mandi. :)

  4. Krista Boltz October 20, 2013 at 1:14 pm Reply

    My mother has short term memory loss. It began when we lost my son 11/25/2008. She is aware that she has it and tends to distance herself from us. The person I need comfort from the most isn’t able to comfort me. I am afraid to burden her with my heartache when hers is what started this process. While the situations aren’t exactly the same, believe me when i say I understand what you are going through. Krista

    • Carol October 20, 2013 at 4:23 pm Reply

      Thanks, Krista. I’m so sorry you are hurting in this way, too. Life can really throw some awful things at us.

  5. Ann Moore October 20, 2013 at 1:17 pm Reply

    Prayers for all of you!

    • Carol October 20, 2013 at 4:24 pm Reply

      Thank you. We appreciate it.

  6. Lynda October 20, 2013 at 8:26 pm Reply

    Oh Carol! My heart breaks for you. Thanks for sharing your story. If you need to talk, I’m here for you. I mean that.

    • Carol October 21, 2013 at 10:04 pm Reply

      Thank you, Lynda. :)

  7. maureen calvillo October 23, 2013 at 12:52 am Reply

    Carol Doesnt seem possible that it was 7 years ago that i met you soon after the baby boy was taken from you and Paul. You needed something to help fill time…It was knitting…It was a joy to watch you knit the beautiful things that you did and continue to do …I am sure How would you get through those days and yet you did…God sent you 2 beauitful baby boys ..They are so blessed to have you and Paul as parents. ..You are a loving family and so i know your Mother’s declining health will be very hard … very hard to watch … but God will be there with you again..Sending you a hug
    .

  8. Shlomit October 23, 2013 at 9:31 am Reply

    Thanks so much for getting this beyond draft stage. Am going through same with my Mom and, to some extent, my Dad. There is nothing else in my life full of ups and downs that prepares me for this in any way.

    Thanks for putting words to it.

    Sandy

  9. Lois Maibach October 28, 2013 at 6:58 pm Reply

    Tears….tears….

    Your cousin,
    Lois

  10. […] I stepped out into the garage for a couple of minutes and missed two. Sorry, seester.) I know she can’t help it either, but that doesn’t make me feel any less like […]

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