Adoption · Family · Life · Parenting

These Nights

These are the nights I don’t tell you about.

These are the nights that I think maybe, for real, we’re not going to make it. That maybe there was a reason we didn’t get pregnant, and that reason was my total unfitness to be a mother.

These are the nights when I know for sure that this job, these children, should have gone to someone else. Someone better, and kinder, who never cusses inside her head as she’s staring down the little darlings she fought so hard to parent.

These are the nights when I crawl into bed and try to cry extra quiet because I don’t feel like talking about my failures anymore. When I hunker down knowing that this time, a good night of sleep isn’t going to fix it.

These are the nights when I make apologies and listen to them and still, I need a shower to rinse away the bitterness clinging to my skin. 

These are the nights when I know everyone in this house would be better off if I just … evaporated. Not death, no funeral, no grieving, just … poof. And all the conflict would be gone.

These are the nights when I wonder just how badly I’m damaging their hearts.

These are, I am convinced, the nights that come to us all, and they are dark and they are long and they were not invited to this party.

And one of the only things pulling me through these nights is this: Not all of the nights are these nights.

3 thoughts on “These Nights

  1. Thank you, Carol, for this. It’s not easy to share your dark moments and thoughts, but it is very healthy. Just know that it’s not your fault (It’s Paul”s) and that you are not alone. All good, caring parents reach this point, although l will concede that maybe not in such frequency that you and Paul do. Parenting is hard, and once a parent, always a parent. Keep the faith. Keep praying. Keep being Carol. That’s the best I can say. But also know that now I can pray more earnestly for you and your family. You are loved and loving, and the boys could not have a better mother than you. Continued blessings.

  2. I think every parent has had nights like that. When my kids were little and my husband traveled (all the damn time)…I would play hide and seek and I would hide really well. I basically ate oreos in a dark pantry and talked myself off the ledge. I know every time someone said – you’ll miss this phase when it passes or little kids little problems, big kids big problems…I wanted to scream and throat punch people when they said those things. Somehow the days, weeks and months accumulated and before I knew it I was back to wiping only my ass. I don’t miss the exhaustion, the repetitive mundane days that followed an exciting career. The jarring shift from capable independent career woman to recently laid off, just moved to a new state don’t know anyone loneliness of becoming an accidental SAHM. I cursed, I still curse somehow my kids don’t. My husband and I are still married, I adore my kids and I like them most of the time….most. They are 14 & 15 now and the finish line is on the horizon. The next few years will be a blur of anticipation, anxiety, big decisions, driving and perhaps dating. I’m not ready, I never was and yet here we are. You’ll make it and your boys will too, it’s OK to make mistakes, we all do.

  3. Sweet Carol, I am in a Bible study group and we are doing James. Just finished Chapter 1 and it starts out trials are a testing of our faith then in verse 5 it says “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” We are all dependent on God but He is faithful and unchanging, We can go and cry out to Him in the times we have failed to be what we want to be. Every parent has times that they regret what they have said or done. You and Paul have opened your hearts and home to give your sons a life that is special because God has brought you together. Never forget that “God in enough” no matter what the trial may be that you are facing. Also in Lamentations 3:22-23 it says “The steadfast love of God never
    ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
    Trusting as each day is a challenge that the Holy Spirit will give you the strength to meet it.

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