This was not the day that I had planned for today. I am supposed to be on Cape Cod right now, celebrating the wedding of my friend. I should be wearing a bridesmaid dress, though I’m certain the shoes would be long gone.

Instead, I am sitting at my kitchen table at home. My sister and I just finished writing up a list of hymns to be sung at our mother’s funeral on Monday. She had a list ready and we just had to sift through them, which is good, because we’re neither of us thinking very clearly yet.

There are so many little snippets from the last 36 hours. I have been sitting here staring at the screen trying to figure out how to weave them into a story to share. And … I just can’t. Not yet, anyway. I am so tired, and sad. I think maybe I’m so tired I don’t even know yet how sad I am.

The machinery of death has taken over our lives for a few days. And this is good, really. Rituals and traditions can chafe sometimes, but they can also provide direction and comfort. If your head isn’t really in the game, sometimes being told what’s next is nice.

The machinery doesn’t always work perfectly, though. About eight hours after Mom died, her house phone rang. When Mary Lou answered, someone in billing at the hospital asked for Mom’s Medicare number. Because they hadn’t gotten that before she was discharged. “Discharged?” we said afterward, “Is that what they’re calling it now?”

My nephew sent me a picture last night from his phone. Because the way I saw her last is not the way I most want to remember her, I’ve been pulling this up all day instead.


I love you, Mom.

7 thoughts on “Adieu

  1. Honestatis Veritas June 19, 2014 at 11:16 pm Reply

    So sorry for your loss.

  2. Adam Longwell June 20, 2014 at 12:55 am Reply

    So sorry to hear about your mom…..moms are so special. Thinking of you and your family….

  3. Julie June 20, 2014 at 7:16 am Reply

    Carol, it broke my heart to read this. You and Mary Lou and Alan and your whole family are in our thoughts and prayers. Your mom was a wonderful lady.

  4. Diane June 20, 2014 at 8:21 am Reply

    That is a perfect picture of your Mom. I will so miss visiting with her! Prayers for all of you as you go through these next sad days.

  5. Leisa Snow June 20, 2014 at 8:26 pm Reply

    Words cannot express how
    sad you and your family are feeling right now, please know you are in our prayers.

  6. Heather June 20, 2014 at 10:44 pm Reply

    Brilliant words. In the midst of it all, authenticity, reflection, gut honesty. Know you’re not alone. And Annie’s day looked beautiful. You were there in spirit.

  7. Holding the Baby | The Circus Is Here September 12, 2016 at 3:23 pm Reply

    […] until my sister called and said they had found my mom lying on the sidewalk between our houses. I went home. Instead of being in a wedding, I helped plan a […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: